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Old 10-03-2010, 12:48 PM   #1
The Elite
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Melbourne, Australia
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Default Going to (hopefully) write a large story. Need feedback on beginning.

Hey, recently I have been stuck inside for about a month, and in that time I have embarked upon a fairly large story, at least for me. I intend to see it all the way through, but I believe the first page and a bit can off put the reader and prevent him from getting involved in the story.

My question to you is would you continue with a story if this is how it began:

Hidden information:
Garron stood in awe. Climbing the marble staircase to the Galandreal level of Skywise he knew not what to expect; but what he saw now blew away his highest expectations. The change as soon as he reached the level was immediate, even if he had not yet stepped off the marble. There was an energy in the air, Garron could feel it. There was energy in every room on every floor of Skywise, yes, but in the levels below it was more of a familiar energy; an outsider could come in and not feel anything until he was in-tune with The Tower. But at the very peak the energy flowed in and out of every pore of Garron's body; it felt like he was back in the golden age of the Magi, weather that was an actual period is irrelevant.

It was luxuriously decorated on the Galandreal level; the walls were coated in many, many different precious metals, shaped as if to resemble great creatures from around the world of Haldwin with jewels for added effect. There were the Ruby Dragons, with actual rubies for each individual scale; Great Ents, in forests of emerald trees and the fabled Mere-people of Atlantica, coated in a blue gem Garron had never seen before, to name but a few. Standing directly in front of Garron was a statue of an elf man; beautifully crafted and, once again, incorporating many different precious metals and jewels. His face was a beautiful pure silver, expertly shaped to show all of the Elf's details; like all Elves he had high cheek bones and a strong jaw line, but his eyes were like that of a feline.
'Cat's eyes...' Garron muttered under his breath.
The Elf's neck long hair was made of solid gold, held back in a silver head band in typical elf fashion. The Elf had upon him a full bodied robe, not unlike the one Garron himself was wearing, made of a solid black metal that Garron was unsure of it's name. In his silver, right hand The Elf held a solid gold staff; almost as tall as he himself was, with a black marble ball on top of it. Clasped in the Elf's left hand was an iron bladed longsword with a golden hilt and pommel; inscribed upon the blade were 8 elven runes, but as Garron had not yet completed his elven studies he could not read it. It was a name though; he could tell by the rune the preceded the rest. That was a rune that signified a name.
'Erridon, what is in scribed upon that blade?' Garron asked his mentor, who was walking besides him.
'That, my boy, is the name of the sword itself. Haldwin' Erridon replied.
'Haldwin? Who names their blade after the world we live in?'
'He didn't, the world was named after that sword.' Erridon said, his words knocking the wind out of Garron.
'What!' Garron shouted, shocked
'And mind you don't cut yourself on it as you walk past, it's still sharp after all these years.'
And with that warning Garron and Erridon walked past and into the High Magi's room, Galandreal the Fourth, to whom that sword belongs.

'Ahh Erridon!' Galandreal exclaimed, seeing Garron and Erridon enter the room. 'Sit! Sit!' They were ushered to 3 grand chairs by an open fireplace. In the middle of these was a small table with three golden cups placed upon it; into each cup an equal measure of a green liquid was poured. Garron guessed it was the Elixir of the Magi but he opted to not drink until his superiors had first tasted it. The polite thing to do anyhow.
'Ailiine and Pyramamire are to be here any minute now, but first introduce me to your apprentice!' Galandreal clapped his hands together happily, with a jolly expression on his ageless elven face.
'Garron, this is Galandreal the Fourth, son of Galandreal the Third, heir of Galandreal the Great! Galandreal, this is my apprentice Garron Lightsteed, son of Garrus of Horford.'
'Well met Garron! May the stars bless our meeting!' Galandreal said.
'And may they bless our friendship for many years to come.' Garron replied, completing the greeting of The Skywise Magi. Galandreal gave a hearty laugh.
'Why Erridon! You have taught your student well in the art of courtesy!' Galandreal exclaimed.
'Many-' Erridon started, but was cut off as two new people entered the room; a short man, no taller then 5 foot 5 with fire red hair with a matching goatee, and a fair elven woman, slender in build, but with a look of determination that gave the impression there was more then met the eye with her. Golden blonde hair flowed down her back. She smiled at Garron as she entered.
'Pyramamire! Ailiine! You have come at last! Come, sit with us.' Two more chairs and golden cups were brought up, filled with the same green liquid. No one had yet drunk.

Garron was forgotten for the moment as his elders started talking about former campaigns, old spells and distant journeys. He got the impression that these four are very good companions whom had, once upon a time, journeyed all over Haldwin together, fighting Orcs, trolls and all manor of creatures along the way. At least that's what he got from the few conversations that he bothered to listen to. Becoming wearing and in need of rest Garron almost slept in the seat he sat in, when the topic of conversation got his attention. The words "of the seven" were used a lot in recent conversation and, gathering his courage, Garron asked:
'Of the seven of what?'
Almost instantly all four of his elders span round to him; shocked and horrified expressions on their faces.
'Oh dear.' Pyramamire said.
'I think we might have forgotten my apprentice was among us.' Erridon added.
'Shall we explain?' Gelandreal asked.
'I will, but not tonight, for I believe it is time for young master Shortstead to retire for the night.' Erridon answered. Garron mumbled in agreement.
'Oh I almost forgot!' Erridon exclaimed. Gesturing to the green drink He said: 'This is the Elixir of the Magi, whenever two high elders meet all the companions must drink this. You will not like it and it will burn your throat; but believe me, you will like it tomorrow!' Garron drank the Elixir and, true to Erridon's word, it tasted foul and burned Garron's throat, but he forced it down.
'Good, many apprentices cant handle their first Elixir.' Erridon congratulated Garron. With that Garron trudged out of the room and down 7 flights of marble stairs, almost slipping and falling of fatigue multiple times, before he made it to his room. Collapsing on his bunk as soon as he reached it, he was immediately in a deep sleep.
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Old 10-05-2010, 02:34 PM   #2
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Read it quickly. Based on the snippet provided, there isn't that much drawing the reader into the story. So fine, most books don't grab your attention right away. They usually do it in the first couple of chapters, but that doesn't mean you can do it sooner (especially with a "short-story" and not a novel)

For me, the biggest turn-off was grammar and flow. I know its just a rough draft, but bad grammer can really ruin a good story. Also in a few parts, the flow of the story was off. Too much repetition of words and some descriptions that were not needed to establish a connection to the literary world.

Would I continue reading after this point? If I had nothing better to do, I would. It wouldn't be a priority to finish reading though (but maybe after I read more, it would grow to be).
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